MFS: Mother Fucking Swiss
Below funny stories told by a Canadian student who has lived in Switzerland. Unfortunately, there is no clue about the author. It was a reply to a Reddit discussion. The discussion flow also disappeared. Just the comment “not parking the car straight enough etc (usual Swiss things)” remains from it.
Story
I have an acronym for situations like this - Mother Fucking Swiss. I love/hate these people.
You park a bit crooked, but still inside the lines, and the neighbors call the police? MFS
You’re training for a triathalon, cycling top speed, and get passed by a man in a suit on a mountain bike? MFS
A (rare) homeless man hits you up for change, and it turns out that he speaks 5 languages? MFS
You’re meeting friends in a strange town and your phone dies, so you ask in bars and hotels whether you can use theirs, and every single person looks at you like an alien; they can’t even comprehend the level of disorganization that would result in an unexpectedly dead phone, and all refuse you help, thinking it must be some kind of trick? MFS
You’re applying for an apartment with a garden, and ask if you can plant in it too. You know, some tomatoes, a pumpkin, whatever. The Corbusier-looking mother fucker sucks his teeth and then finally says “perhaps… if you can prove geometrically that these plants would be elegant additions to the overall theme of the space.” MMMFFFFSSSS
Climbing a terrifying ridge and get passed by a heavily pregnant woman, annoyed at your slowness. MFS
Use the bones from your chicken to make stock and get greeted with confused scorn. What is this guy, poor? MFS
Edit: I’ve been collecting these.
Referred to, depending on the language, as either a foreigner or a stranger. Ask to be called an immigrant, which carries far less stigma. Whoa, PC police! Fucking foreigners tell us how to speak? Forget it. MFS
Hear about a bar, which used to be cool, but is now “filled with students and foreigners”. OH, you mean people like me? MFS
Fire needs to be lit / shed needs to be built / any physical task needs to be done properly? “Ask the Canadian”. MFS
The bar closes at 12:00. At 11:55 the bartender announces last call, at 11:59:59 the last patron leaves the door, and at 12:00:01 the police appear. MFS
You hike up to a high alpine cabin. The other (swiss) climbers, in perfect unison, and without talking about it, sit down to eat, consume their bread, soup, and cheese in the same order, start their ovomaltine together, finish at the same time, go in shifts to brush their teeth, and, in total synchronicity hit the sack at precisely 10:00. The next day, without alarms, every person steps out of bed at 6:00, eats breakfast, and is gone by 7:00. You hang out until noon to soak up the incredible scenery and the sole staff member subtly mocks your hiking plans with his eyebrow and tone. “Ze col de la Forcla in zose boots!?” utterly scandalized expression MFS
You: We should get moving if we’re going to catch that train. MFS: What? Why? The train leaves in 13 minutes and it’s only a 7 minute walk, or 9.5 if you stop to buy cigarettes.
Hey, can I talk to you about a trip to Canada in January? You: Ok, it’s a bit early for flights and stuff but it pays to think in advance I suppose… wait…. January of what year? MFS: 2015.
Swiss boss: Let’s meet at the hotel in Munich (300 km away) at 8:25 pm. And we did.
You buy some “lard” (smoked bacon, meant to be eaten uncooked) at the farmer’s market. It’s good raw, but you want to try it fried. Your co-worker smells it from his office, suspects what you’re up to, and bursts into the kitchen yelling “You cannot DO zis!” MFS
The used bike is 485 francs. I offer 400. Long stare. “My price, I think, reflects the actual quality of the frame, components, and labor.” MFS
I’m from Canada, have you been? “Oh, on a small trip, I spent one month by bicycle in Quebec, and then bought a motorhome and drove to vancouver - what a long drive! I loved the open prairies - and then sold the motorhome and spent the next weeks skiing. Whistler was nice but I prefer Chamonix for the après ski culture. Tell me, is the climbing in Squamish as good as they say? And how do you compare Big White with Whistler? And do you prefer New York, Montreal, or San Francisco? I found things to love about each place.” I… I, uh, I’ve never been to any of those places. MFS
People on the train begin to grumble and get exasperated. I look at my watch: we’re 3 minutes late. MFS
Me: Sprechen sie Englisch? MFS: Yes, a little bit. Actually has the grammar of Dickens and the vocabulary of Shakespear